Need to Be
by astrarius
Summary: On the outside, he might have appeared as his normal self – confident, nonchalant, and a bit egotistical for the hell of it. He was the Vanguard, after all. But underneath a cape whispering around his calves on a warm summer breeze, he was somewhere else besides the Tower's Plaza; somewhere deep within his own mind. / A oneshot; rating because I can't remember if Cayde swears.


**Author's Note:** This'll be a oneshot. Written because Cayde once told my Hunter that Eris has a pretty smile. There would be no way he could know that unless he'd figured out how to make her smile...

 **Need to Be**

The sun was setting over the Plaza; a brilliant watercolor painting of tangerine, crimson, and liquid gold over a fierce contrast of peaks bathed in deep violet and amethyst. Cayde-6 had never considered himself a poetic man, a romantic, or a starry-eyed devotee when it came to such impracticalities but as he watched the evening sun melt away behind the Traveler, well, he fancied he was allowed at least a few moments of sentimental reverie.

For his freedom; of a life before his duties as a Vanguard, of the Russian backcountry he knew better than the streets of the Last City.

For her.

Standing on the far side of the Plaza, near Tower North, and what he deemed a safe-enough distance away from his past to still touch a bit of it without fear of being drawn in, the Hunter Vanguard leaned against a railing that promised to keep him from falling over the edge. But it was only a physical promise – there was little the railing could do to keep him from falling backwards towards his past.

His shoulders were slumped as he kept a level gaze focused at his hands, which occupied themselves with the reflexive motions of flipping a coin. Left to right, back again.

On the outside, he might have appeared as his normal self – confident, nonchalant; perhaps a bit egotistical for the hell of it because he was the Vanguard, after all. He might have appeared without a worry in the universe on his mind. But underneath a cape whispering around his calves on a warm summer breeze, he was somewhere else besides the Tower's Plaza; somewhere deep within his own mind.

Shining blue eyes studied the coin's trajectory. The way the coin ascended, quick at first, before hovering motionless at its apex for a split second. The way the silver relic spun, end over end, reflecting light against the shadows.

It felt a little bit like hope, watching that coin.

And as it fell, he held his hand open to receive it. The cool surface was masked from the sensors in his fingertips by rough gloves. The weight was so familiar against his palm.

A constant.

A comfort.

It was a diversion with which he occupied himself with relative frequency while at his leisure. For, while one of his fellow Vanguards never slept for the urgency of her research and the other could afford himself little time away from his post, Cayde required fresh air to function at his best. And he needed time away, every once in awhile, where he could be left to reminisce about his past; he would often find a place to be alone in the evenings with only his thoughts and his coin.

Because he had a lot on his mind.

Maybe some of it or more was beneficial to spreading the Traveler's Light; healing it – but he had his share of selfish thoughts, too. About his old Fireteam, their adventures, and his personal vices.

Those were, of course, his cards.

His guns.

And his girl.

A girl who'd long ago grown up; who was a woman now. Who didn't need him anymore, he reminded himself. The Hunter tried to ignore the feelings that told him he still needed her.

Cayde flipped the coin.

Heads.

There were popular theories about the Hunter Vanguard and that coin. Some Guardians presumed he had lost his bet on the coin and sentenced himself to the life of a Vanguard. It was untrue, of course. The bet that had lost him his freedom had been lost over cards; poker, a flush in hearts failed when he'd been unable to draw the Queen from where she'd hidden herself within the deck.

Some thought the coin was the last claim to a fortune that Cayde had left behind him in the field. It was a little closer to the truth but still not quite right. He was sure there were still some pockets, strongholds left of the treasures he'd found and hidden. Someday, when his time as a Vanguard was fulfilled, he would go back to reclaim what remained – but it was a concern that he kept far from his mind.

What no one else knew about Cayde's coin was that he kept it because it had belonged to his girl before it had become his. Cayde had always planned to give it back to her because it was lucky. She had assured him that it was lucky. And luck had been just what he'd needed, entering the Iron Banner on that last day. He'd had his sights set on the top honor – to be declared champion. The hand cannon being offered up as the final prize? Yeah, that wasn't so bad, either.

So he'd taken her good luck charm to the Crucible and she'd gone with her Fireteam to the moon without it…

She'd never come home.

Well, not all of her, anyway.

Cayde caught the coin in his right hand, wrapping his fingertips around the smooth metal surface and pressing it into the rough textured palm of his glove. He wrapped his left hand around the metal rail in front of him and looked down across the glimmering lights of the Last City. He closed his eyes, like a few moments without visual stimulation could keep the memories of her from rushing back now that he'd all but invited them to the surface.

Her running towards him, wrapping her arms around his neck, fussing over the places she presumed he'd been injured. Like a couple of bullets would have been enough to keep him from coming home to her…

Him leaving her playing cards, tucked away in places he never really expected her to find them. In her jumpship a three of diamonds for opportunity. Into a pouch she wore at her waist just before she retired for the evening to her dormitory a four of clubs for relaxation.

He flipped the coin again, feeling himself relax as the object floated end over end towards the sky, reflecting moonlight and nightfall and his own god-damned culpability.

Cayde wanted to believe that she remembered him; that she thought of him at her last. It would make it easier to accept that he still had feelings for her, that there was some piece of humanity within him that couldn't bear to erase their memories, no matter how painful it was to keep them locked away inside of himself. That he couldn't, wouldn't let her go. He wanted to believe that she'd felt the same.

The Exo caught the coin again, catching it this time in his left hand to add a bit of a break to the monotony. He brought his left hand to his chest, holding his fist over the empty place his heart might have been, and he let his eyes travel to the sky. Silent but certain, he set to the task of identifying what few constellations he could already see in the final dying embers of daylight.

"I've always been fond of this place."

"Eris?" he turned around, his voice dripping in his characteristic tone of casual indifference – like he hadn't just been drowning in a sea of solitude, like she hadn't just interrupted something that was, to him, more important than life. He didn't have a worry in the world, thankyouverymuch; not a reason at all to be left alone. He'd drug the two syllables of her name out, almost chuckling near the end of it before requesting, "Mind givin' a guy a little warning before you, well, sneak up on him out of the Darkness?"

She didn't reply but he could sense that he'd irritated her as he watched her cross the distance between them out of the corner of one of his brilliant blue eyes. She took her place a little less than a meter away but turned so that she was facing out across the Plaza. She seemed content to be ignoring what Cayde knew had been a rather juvenile attempt to get a rise out of her. Her voice was low, the deep tones filling the space between them with a heavy, unyielding despondence, "I have history here."

Like it excused her presence.

Like it entitled her to the place that he'd chosen for himself that evening.

"Do you?" Cayde tried to sound surprised instead of irritated. He wanted to think that he couldn't have been bothered to care about what Eris had come to him to say but the truth was that he welcomed conversation in that moment. Anything but a return to his reverie. His tone was indifferent, "That's interesting. Or something."

She didn't reply, just stood beside the Vanguard with her shoulders hunched, staring into the green orb she carried with her everywhere. So Cayde turned around, too, resuming the task of flipping his coin.

After a few more moments of silence, the Dark Guardian commented, "I thought you'd leave."

"Leave?" the Exo exclaimed, turning on his heel in the same graceful movement that he caught the coin. "I was here first."

He looked at her – really looked at her. She was shorter than he was by a wide margin, made all the more obvious by the way she never seemed to stand to her full height. As she wavered, uneasy in her stance, the Vanguard considered putting a hand on her shoulder to hold her still. It wasn't clear if she'd always had too much to drink or if she thought standing in one place for even a moment would make her susceptible to another attack from the Darkness. Ridiculous. Ludacris. Crazy, eccentric Eris.

It was all an illusion made more painful for the very fact that she'd actually been a rather beautiful woman before… well, before Crota had gotten to her. Or whatever had happened.

Cayde had never paid much attention to Ikora's whispers and indications from across the table. He knew by looking at Eris Morn she'd been through something terrible in all her years of exile. Didn't need a Warlock to tell him that; the former Guardian was a rather painful example of what dangers could be born outside the walls of their City. There were some effects of the Darkness it was just better that Guardians didn't survive.

He got the feeling that she was irritated to find that he was staring at her but it was impossible to know for sure with her eyes hidden underneath all those bandages. Cayde shivered; quite unnerved to think she'd taken those eyes from an Acolyte…

"Have you always been such a stubborn, impossible man?"

Cayde shrugged his shoulders, "Well, have you always been so insufferable?"

She didn't respond, perhaps interpreting his sarcastic question to be rhetorical. Instead, she walked around him and took up her old post, where she'd been stationed when she'd first returned from her shadowy prison. They were now standing back to back. On occasion, the Hunter knew that the warm summer breeze was capturing his cloak and blowing it into hers.

After a long spell of silence and with her voice so low he had to strain to hear her, she spoke, "The Darkness has poisoned most of my memories, you know."

Cayde clenched the coin in his hand, keeping his back turned to hers and hesitating for a moment before he whispered, "Eris, look - about what I said."

"Most days, I struggle to discern fact from fiction – it sometimes still feels like a dream I'm even here. I spent so long drifting through shadow, sometimes the Light is painful, too."

He wasn't hearing this… he couldn't hear this. Their conversation was mixing with his memories - and that the images were still so real to him when she could recall nothing of them… Cayde shook his head.

Eris smiling at him from across their shared bay of the Hangar as she pulled the Queen of Hearts out of her armor. The way she'd thrown the card at him, making it bounce off of the place between his eyes. The look in her eyes when he'd wrapped her up in his arms to pull her close that first time. And the way she'd let him then and each time after.

To know that they'd been stolen from her, those memories, caused a painful void deep within the Exo's chest to ache.

"Talk about something else," the Exo pleaded, looking away from the Traveler to watch the sun slide behind the western range. "I'm not ready to hear you say it. Not yet."

"Cayde?"

He turned around to face her, uncertain whether or not he was ready to shore up against their past and understand what the future might hold for them. He figured she'd been waiting for years to ask him these questions. He'd left her with cruel words and a cold shoulder - but he'd left her wondering, always, if her memories, anything of them she still could hold onto, were the truth about what had been between them. If she had her doubts, now, that any of it had been real, he only had himself to blame.

All he'd been since her return was sarcastic and callous.

"Is this yours?" she interrupted his thoughts to ask.

It was the Queen of Hearts with his addition of a spade drawn in a bold, hasty hand within the margins. The lower half of the card was worn away from worry - like she'd passed long hours running her fingers across the surface.

The Exo just stared, unsure what to say. That was his card. He'd given it to her along with whatever components within him likened to his heart; whatever part of him had been - maybe still was - in love with her. So much had changed that he couldn't be sure what it would all mean anymore.

What did Eris think of him? Of his cruel words and their harsh interactions? Would she understand how he could be afraid, awe-inspired of whatever sort of woman she'd needed to become in order to survive? Would she believe him if he told her that he was afraid he didn't deserve her?

With a careful step forward, Cayde decided he owed her the truth, at least. Placing his right hand over the top of hers, the Hunter clenched his left hand into a tight fist around the coin that had once belonged to her. His voice was soft when he asked, "You kept that all this time?"

Ignoring his question, she asked one of her own, "Does my memory betray me regarding the origins of this card?"

"Eris," Cayde whispered, letting his hand slide down her forearm and to her waist. He wasn't sure what he was doing - but if he'd never be this close to her again, he'd savor everything that there was to cherish about this moment.

Pulling away faster than he'd ever remembered her moving, Eris demanded in a hard tone, "Answer me!"

Cayde straightened his shoulders, surprised and a little hurt that she'd been so fast to push him away. But things were different now, he tried to remember. She wasn't still his girl… Not really, anyway.

Pulling the card out of her hand, he turned it over so that he could see the grey-blue outline on the back. Nodding his head, he replied, "This is yours, Eris. I gave it to ya a long time ago."

Eris dropped her orb and swiped the playing card away from Cayde. The green orb fell against the concrete surface of the staircase with a loud crack but neither cement nor orb broke. Before the orb could roll away over the edge of the balcony, Cayde pressed his boot against the top and let it to rest where it was.

Something about the way she held that playing card, like a precious treasure she didn't wish to be parted from, made the Exo hopeful. Though he couldn't see her eyes for the bandages, he thought she might be waiting for him to say something else. The Hunter reached out to tuck a single strand of red hair back behind the hood of her cloak.

"I don't know what you still remember," and then he paused, unable to keep himself from reaching out to touch her again. His hand found her shoulder, palm resting against the place where her neck met her shoulder and he'd stepped closer to her again before he could stop himself. This time, she didn't pull away when he continued, "But I remember it all. Everything about what it felt like to be in love with you. Those days were - well, I was happy, Eris. Really happy."

"Cayde, I-"

"You don't have to say anything," he interrupted her, shaking his head as he turned away and back to the Traveler. He opened his hand to look down at her lucky coin and couldn't put a word to what it was he felt. "If you don't remember, just - it's alright. But I can't hear you say it."

"But I do remember," she murmured, almost softer than the breeze whispering through the Plaza.

Uncertain if he could have possibly heard her right, Cayde was slow to turn around. Hope had almost turned sour for the Exo. She was dead for… How long? And when she'd come back - nothing had been the same. If he should have believed that there was still a chance. Somehow. Some way… if he should have held onto whatever chance there was that she did still remember, he had.

His right hand trailed across the metal railing and his left clenched tight around Eris Morn's lucky coin. When he looked at her and read an anxiousness in her to know that she'd been heard, the Exo shook his head and laughed, "Then what in the Traveler's name took you so damn long to tell me?"

"You've not changed a bit," Eris accused, biting back a smile. She knelt to the ground where her orb was lying, forgotten, between them. She wasn't looking at him when she chastised, "You couldn't be serious to save your life."

Looking at her and the way she stared into her eerie green orb, Cayde realized that she'd put his card away. That she hadn't given it back to him emboldened the Hunter Vanguard in a way he couldn't quite describe. It was everything he still needed to know. He'd already lost Eris once; knowing that she was here - safe in the Tower - was enough that he'd take another gamble on their future…

Flipping her coin into the air, Cayde watched her follow the trajectory and catch it with one hand before it could fall at her feet. She looked at him and the Exo put his hands on his hips, demanding, "Would you want me any other way?"

Though she looked away, Cayde recognized an all too familiar flush from beneath the grey fluid that fell from her injured eyes. It was the same reaction to which such bold declarations from him were always received. The Hunter shook his head.

He didn't have all the answers or even a few; he couldn't read what the future would hold or how they might eventually reconcile all of the time that had been lost. But he was beginning to understand that maybe not everything between them was forgotten. If he'd won Eris Morn's heart once, he was confident he could do it again. If she was the sort of woman now that was too strong to find solace in his arms then it was time for him to grow and be the sort of companion that she deserved.

"Well, Eris," Cayde's eyes shined as he raised one of his gloved hands to salute her, already beginning to move away. "If you'll excuse me. I've got some work to do."

She cocked her head to the side and was unable to hide the manifestation of emotion across her face; confusion with a mild hint of anger as she demanded, "Work! Right now?"

"Can't let someone else sweep my girl off her feet," he teased, poking her shoulder before he turned around and bounced down the stairs into the Plaza.

"Cayde!"

He turned around to look at her, feeling the place that was always a void in his chest fill with happiness for the smile that beamed down at him. Watching the way she tossed the coin right back to him, he caught it with little effort and tucked it to safety in a pouch at his waist.

"For luck," she explained. "You're going to need it."

He didn't waste a moment before rushing back up the staircase to wrap her up in his arms and pull her away to a more private portion of the balcony. How long had he waited to hold her like this? And when he felt her arms find their way around his waist, Cayde pressed the side of his face against the top of her head and closed his eyes. He whispered, "I don't need luck, Eris. I'm already the luckiest guy in the whole Tower."

"Not the whole universe?" she murmured, pulling away just far enough that Cayde could see she was smiling.

He was relieved, hopeful - so very many things at once that he had to settle for just being happy. Placing a gentle hand on the side of her face, the Vanguard shook his head and whispered, "Ask me again once I've set things right. I think it'll be the whole universe by then."


End file.
